Ask me about Jane when you see me

Well Kieran, today is the last day in my life that I'll see Jane. I'm sure you remember her; the two of you got along so well. Unfortunately, I messed up that relationship, and in doing so failed not just Jane but you. I so desperately wanted to provide you a real home with two loving parents, one where you could see what it was for a husband and a wife to love one another. I thought it would be so simple, that so long as the woman I was with wasn't like your mother that it would all work. In many ways, I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't at fault for the broken marriage with your mother, to make up for my failing to provide you with what I always wanted to give you. But I let me pride get in my way; I wasn't capable of being the kind of man who provided all that I 'd promised in my heart to you and Jane. For that, I apologize to both of you.

I really did love Jane; I didn't want her in my life just to be your proxy mother or my proxy wife. As I write this, I must admit that I still do love her. The two of you provided my life and all I did with meaning and purpose. But now you're both gone, and I've lost the two most important people in my life, all within a matter of a day.

Jane must despise me for being dishonest with her, and I know she never wants to return to my life. That will take me a long time to deal with. My only hope now is that one day you will return to me.

If we do meet again, ask me about Jane. I want to tell you stories about what how the two of you had so much fun together. I want to tell you about what a wonderful woman she was, and how I was a fool to push her away. I want to tell you this not so you will be my confessor but because I want you to never make the mistakes I did and so suffer the emptiness that I feel today.

Justice unserved in Minnesota today

I lost another major effort today to be able to see you, Kieran. The family court in Hennepin County, Minn., decided that I would not be able to see you for two years (until June 13, 2014), and when that time comes I'll have to fight for the right to see you. They were willing to limit me to two visits a month that were supervised by your mother's step-dad, an obvious set-up. All he'd have to do is make up a story that I hit you, and I'd lose all rights to see you. So I had to pass up on that until I get an attorney who will fight for our rights to be with one another. The court also said you and I could talk to one another, but only by a telephone call that you initiate. Like at five years old you can use the phone or your mother's family ever would let you use it!

Part of the judge's decision came from false stories that I hit you with a closed fist and knocked you to the ground at Disneyland because you wouldn't go on a scary ride. My God, what idiots the court is to believe this! If I'd ever hit you at Disneyland, Disney security would be all over me, not to mention some parents who wouldn't find such abuse acceptable (I certainly wouldn;t find it acceptable and would step between parent and child). It's a sick story that your mother has coached you to say, and I want you to know that I am not angry with you or hold you responsible for repeating this story. I know that you're very afraid of not being able to see your mother again if you don't say what she tells you to. Do not worry, though, Kieran; I will work night and day to pay for the attorneys to stop this travesty of justice so we can see one another again.

Remember our paper doll characters on blocks?

While writing my new book, "Hikes with Tykes: Games and Activities for, before and after the Trail," I suggested an activity that I quickly realized was something I'd pulled from our time together, "Paper Doll Friends": "For preschoolers, create a hiking family as well as animals seen along the way that they can use to relive their adventures or to make up new ones, getting them excited about the next hike. Paper dolls and cartoon animals easily can be found through a search engine for images, printed and cut out. Have your kids help select the paper dolls to print. To get the paper dolls to stand, glue or tape them to blocks that your kids easily can hold in their small hands."

Do you remember when I used to do that with you? Whenever you came to like a new television show, and we couldn't find action figures to buy, I'd locate pictures of the characters online, print them out, and tape them to blocks. I did it at least for "Johnny Quest," "Fireman Sam," "Scooby Doo" (the villains anyway), and "Caillou." Since the ink on the paper always had to dry, and I'd always glue the paper to cardboard so it would hold up longer, there was this terribly long wait for you, and you'd always ask me if the pieces were ready yet!

One day after I'd taught you to use a scissors and glue, you started cutting out Peanuts characters from the Sunday comics and taping them yourself to blocks! I was so proud of you, and so moved that you loved these paper dolls so much that you would make them yourself, just like daddy did.

Don't feel shame or anger, my son

I suspect as the years have passed, Kieran, that you feel intense anger at me for not being a part of your life. With no father to talk with, to play with, to help with homework, or just to hang out with, you no doubt are angry because of missed opportunities and and because of the big hole in your life that never can be filled. Perhaps you've felt like you were on your own and lacked the secure feeling of knowing that your father loves you and would look out for you if things got to be too much for a young boy to handle.

Possibly you even feel ashamed of having these emotions.

Don't feel shame or anger, my son.

First, I understand your emotions. I grew up feeling the same way about my own father. Though he always was there in the house or in the fields of the farm I grew up on, the demands and intensity of his work often left him too tired to interact meaningful. For years I felt nothing but insecurity about myself and anger at him and at the life the fates apparently had woven for me. It is these insecurities and anger that caused me to destroy a relationship with a wonderful woman for whom I felt a love deeper than I'd ever experienced for any other woman. It is these insecurities and anger that led to a great unraveling in my life that ultimately caused our ties to be broken.

Secondly, I do not stay away from you through any choice of my own. While my pride and foolishness may have led to our separation, I never desired being apart. In the time we were together, I tried to be the father to you that my father could not be to me, and I have no greater desire in life than to continue being that father to you that I'd always wished I had myself. The powers that be, alleging that our separation is necessary for your "safety" have built their arguments on thier own unaddressed fears and on falsehoods with the intention of punishing me for failing them. I did indeed fail them, but neither I nor you should be punished for this.

Do not make the same mistakes I have. Once we are together again, I will better explain all of this to you should you like, and maybe it will be clearer. But if you feel anger or shame or insecurity, seek help from someone that can be trusted. I will continue the good battle to be able to see you again, and when that time finally comes, I will be there for you.

Father's advice to son: It's ok to disagree

I don't know why, but for some reason I though this weekend was Father's Day, Kieran; it's actually next weekend on June 17. On the plus side, that means there's hope we'll be together for Father's Day 2012.

As I think back to my own father, I must say that my four biggest mistakes in life were decisions I made to contrary to his advice (The fifth biggest mistake I made was contrary to my mother's advice, but that's another holiday.). In my pride, I ignored my father's experiences and breadth of years observing what had occurred to others. To my youthful way of thinking, his advice often didn't make sense, running counter to rationality and to the heart. I suppose every boy at one time or another thinks this of his father; it's part of growing up and establishing your identity as your own man.

But let me tell you a story that I often repeat to others (and stole from Mark Twain): When I was 16, my old man was the dumbest person in the world. But then I went off to college, got married, became a father myself. And every year when I'd come home, I'd noticed that my father had got smarter and smarter, and right now he's damn near as smart as me. I'm really proud of how far he's come.

I'm not saying you always should follow your father's advice; it is a son's prerogative to do what he feels is best. And should you decide to one day not follow my advice, you should know that I will emulate my father's behavior when I did the same to him: I will not hold it against you and still will help and accept you, as my love for you is unconditional.

What I had planned for us on Father's Day

Father's Day is tomorrow (at least as I write this), and I've missed another weekend with you. More than a month ago, before you'd been taken from me, I'd planned a fun weekend for us going to the Thunder on the Lot in Lancaster, Calif. (the link is to photos of when we attended the event in 2010) and to the JPL Open House in Pasadena, Calif. (the link is to photos of when we attended the event in 2010).

There's a neat photo of us at JPL in which our picture was taken with an infrared camera and another one that is a 3D picture of us "on" Mars (at upper right)! At the Thunder on the Lot, you fell in love with going through RVs and went over and over on this fun house obstacle course - I was surprised you had so much energy (You didn't when you were done with it!).

At least we got to go to those events when we were together. Maybe once you find me and we're together again, we can go once more. I love and miss you, Kieran!

Games we used to play: Chess and cards

A couple of days ago I was at a coffeeshop in Palmdale where they have various board games available for children to play. A couple of boys, probably only only a year or two older than you (if that), were playing cards, and one asked his dad to teach him chess.

In the weeks before your mother stole you away from me, you also asked me to teach you to play chess; I did, and I also began to show you all kinds of cards games like War and Old Maid. You so loved to play the games, and while chess was a bit complicated, you delighted in just learning the piece's names, where they were placed on the board, and how they moved in all of these different ways. And you usually beat me at cards - without me even letting you win!

You even tried to make up card games of your own to "teach" me. Though the games didn't always make sense (They never seemed to have a goal or a way that one could be a definitive winner!), I always was flattered how you emulated me and always was amazed by the complex set of game rules you'd develop.

When we get together again, I definitely want to play cards with you, Kieran, and to finish teaching you how to play chess. And I won't care who wins any of those games, for so long as I'm with you, I'll be a winner.