Always forgive others for wronging you

Unfortunately, I am not allowed to be with you each day, Kieran, so I am unable to lisen to and talk with you about your concerns and problems. Because of that, I will on occasion offer advice about moral codes to live by. Here is another such entry.

Once someone has wronged us, our natural reaction is to protect ourselves. This means being punitive and distrustful of the person who hurt us. We probably are angry at them and want justice served.

While we should make clear to this person that what they did caused pain and is not permissible, we cannot allow our bitterness and resentment to transform into hatred and violence. If we do, then we also become a person who wrongs others. If this chain of wronging continues, then all of us will be filled with anger and hatred for one another.

The only way to break the chain of wronging is to be forgiving. We have to let go of our anger and hatred and tell ourselves that the person who wronged us did not actually intend to or that they suffer from a calamity that led them to make a bad choice.

Forgiveness is not just a way to bring about peace in the world but is necessary to heal our own hearts. Anger destroys us emotionally by making us cynical and bitter. It destroys our physical well-being by raising our blood pressure, increasing our risk of a heart attack, and reducing our immune system’s effectiveness.

How can we forgive? We must consciously decide to forgive. Unfortunately, forgiveness usually does not happen with one bold statement. Our anger can be persistent. We must tell ourselves to forgive every time our anger flares, until the matter finally is settled in the heart.

Some fatherly advice: Do not judge others

One day you may find yourself angry - at a bully on the playground, at a teacher who put you down, at a neighbor or relative who seems to treat you unfairly. I'd ask you to let go of your anger, for it only will serve to harm you.

"How can I 'let go' of my anger?" you're probably asking. I'm afraid there's no easy answer to that. You probably feel justified in your anger.

This justification is based in your beliefs about how people should behave, Kieran, and these "shoulds" lead you to judge. If you always remember not to judge others, you can maintain your beliefs but lose your anger.

If you insist upon judging others, though, then your will find your anger growing so that almost no one ever can live up to your values or expectations. As others will judge you (rightly or wrongly), should you judge them in return, you soon will find yourself at odds with them - and soon, you will find yourself at odds with everyone and everything.

No one is perfect, and the world is flawed. Yes, it could be improved, and we have a duty to make the world a better place to live. But we cannot hold others in low esteem for it. Indeed, doing soonly makes the world an even worse place.

Some advice for you, my son

I know, Kieran, that you must feel a great emptiness not having a father in your life. I certainly feel a great emptiness without my son in my life.

When one feels such emptiness, often bitterness sets in, and to release those feelings, we lash out at others or their property. By doing so, though, we only hurt ourselves far more than we do the other person. That may not be apparent at first as the other person cries or their possessions lay broken, but in the long run we lose the love and trust of them when we behave this way. I speak from personal experience, and when we are together again, I will explain all of those incidences to you should you wish. The one example I'm sure you will be familiar with, though, is Jane, who we both loved very dearly but who through my anger I drove away.

Do not harden your heart, Kieran. I know that is easier said than done. But I will be there again to fill the void  that our forced separation has temporarily created in both of our lives - and I emphasize the word temporarily because each and every day I and your grandparents are working within the limits of the law to correct this egregious error that others have committed to harm our well-being. So remain strong and remain kind and loving to others - even to those who have done you wrong - for in the long run that will serve you far better than taking the easy way out, which is bitterness, anger and a hardened heart.

Don't feel shame or anger, my son

I suspect as the years have passed, Kieran, that you feel intense anger at me for not being a part of your life. With no father to talk with, to play with, to help with homework, or just to hang out with, you no doubt are angry because of missed opportunities and and because of the big hole in your life that never can be filled. Perhaps you've felt like you were on your own and lacked the secure feeling of knowing that your father loves you and would look out for you if things got to be too much for a young boy to handle.

Possibly you even feel ashamed of having these emotions.

Don't feel shame or anger, my son.

First, I understand your emotions. I grew up feeling the same way about my own father. Though he always was there in the house or in the fields of the farm I grew up on, the demands and intensity of his work often left him too tired to interact meaningful. For years I felt nothing but insecurity about myself and anger at him and at the life the fates apparently had woven for me. It is these insecurities and anger that caused me to destroy a relationship with a wonderful woman for whom I felt a love deeper than I'd ever experienced for any other woman. It is these insecurities and anger that led to a great unraveling in my life that ultimately caused our ties to be broken.

Secondly, I do not stay away from you through any choice of my own. While my pride and foolishness may have led to our separation, I never desired being apart. In the time we were together, I tried to be the father to you that my father could not be to me, and I have no greater desire in life than to continue being that father to you that I'd always wished I had myself. The powers that be, alleging that our separation is necessary for your "safety" have built their arguments on thier own unaddressed fears and on falsehoods with the intention of punishing me for failing them. I did indeed fail them, but neither I nor you should be punished for this.

Do not make the same mistakes I have. Once we are together again, I will better explain all of this to you should you like, and maybe it will be clearer. But if you feel anger or shame or insecurity, seek help from someone that can be trusted. I will continue the good battle to be able to see you again, and when that time finally comes, I will be there for you.