Don't feel shame or anger, my son

I suspect as the years have passed, Kieran, that you feel intense anger at me for not being a part of your life. With no father to talk with, to play with, to help with homework, or just to hang out with, you no doubt are angry because of missed opportunities and and because of the big hole in your life that never can be filled. Perhaps you've felt like you were on your own and lacked the secure feeling of knowing that your father loves you and would look out for you if things got to be too much for a young boy to handle.

Possibly you even feel ashamed of having these emotions.

Don't feel shame or anger, my son.

First, I understand your emotions. I grew up feeling the same way about my own father. Though he always was there in the house or in the fields of the farm I grew up on, the demands and intensity of his work often left him too tired to interact meaningful. For years I felt nothing but insecurity about myself and anger at him and at the life the fates apparently had woven for me. It is these insecurities and anger that caused me to destroy a relationship with a wonderful woman for whom I felt a love deeper than I'd ever experienced for any other woman. It is these insecurities and anger that led to a great unraveling in my life that ultimately caused our ties to be broken.

Secondly, I do not stay away from you through any choice of my own. While my pride and foolishness may have led to our separation, I never desired being apart. In the time we were together, I tried to be the father to you that my father could not be to me, and I have no greater desire in life than to continue being that father to you that I'd always wished I had myself. The powers that be, alleging that our separation is necessary for your "safety" have built their arguments on thier own unaddressed fears and on falsehoods with the intention of punishing me for failing them. I did indeed fail them, but neither I nor you should be punished for this.

Do not make the same mistakes I have. Once we are together again, I will better explain all of this to you should you like, and maybe it will be clearer. But if you feel anger or shame or insecurity, seek help from someone that can be trusted. I will continue the good battle to be able to see you again, and when that time finally comes, I will be there for you.